Oscars 2022: Literally just a collection of thoughts

Patchy daytime sleep? Done. Popcorn with half the kernels un-popped? Sure. Day off work tomorrow? Absolutely. It’s Oscars night, sweetcheeks.

*Disclaimer. This content will be of no use to you. I’m also writing this between 1am and 4:30am on a Monday morning. Also – I’d written a lot of this before Will Smith slapped Chris Rock in the face, and now so much of the below just isn’t relevant.

The outfits

Timothée Chalamet appears to be living that well-trodden nightmare of leaving the house with a boob hanging out. We’ve all been there.

Wesley Snipes can honestly wear anything. And holy shit, I just remembered that Coming 2 America happened this year.

Jessica Chastain looks incredible, but she also reminds me of when you put that pearlescent glittery stuff in your prosecco.

Simu Liu went out there proving to all men that you should branch out from the traditional black tux.

I’m fairly certain that Billie Eilish has sneaked in several sandwiches, and possibly some ice cream, under that huge plumage.

Jason Momoa. I mean…gimme some momoa of that.

The show

It was chaos. What I wanted from this Oscars was another mis-read winner. Or someone falling over. Or John Travolta mis-pronouncing a name. Stupid, fun shit. What we got was Will Smith slapping Chris Rock in the face for making a joke about Jada. We all thought it was a ‘bit’, but then he started shouting, ‘Get my wife’s name out of your f*cking mouth,’ over and over again, and it became clear it was not, in fact, a ‘bit’. It wasn’t nice, but I am looking forward to the memes.

Other than those unfortunate 40 seconds, the show was exactly what the Oscars should be; chaotic awkwardness. Rosie Perez trying to herd Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson like two unchaperoned toddlers at a birthday party. Amy Schumer’s jokes kind of landing, here and there. Diane Warren’s face at losing out. Beyoncé paying tribute to the Williams sisters by performing as a tennis ball. The band starting to play the winners off before they’ve finished their speeches (I always feel sorry for them.) Wanda Sykes wearing tiny shorts. Regina Hall’s jokes being all about coming on to the single men in the room (to be fair, I'd do the same). Jamie Lee Curtis holding a puppy while making a speech about Betty White during the ‘In Memoriam’ section. Not a single funny speech being made (this is why we need Olivia Colman). Kenneth Branagh clapping really weirdly. Go on, Google it.

The films

Or, for our American friends, ‘movies’.

Don’t Look Up. I liked it. Don’t @ me, as the kids say.

Didn’t see Dune, I’m afraid. I’m so bored of remakes, and to be honest, I saw a tweet that called it ‘Posh Tremors’, and I can’t really get past that.

The Lost Daughter was bleak AF. But I’ve never loved another woman the way I love Olivia Colman.

I didn’t watch Licorice Pizza. Heard it was weird and I honestly didn't have the energy.

I’m a sucker for the Inkwell Instagram filter, so obviously I liked Belfast.

I quite liked The Power of the Dog, although I thought it was a little slow. Best ending of any film I’ve seen though. I would like to complain to the management, however, as this film featured zero dogs.

I really wish I’d seen Coda before this.

I just couldn’t get on with Nightmare Alley. It was all a bit grotesque. I’m not sure why I was expecting anything else from Guillermo del Toro - and it’s my fault for watching it while eating dinner - but it tried to draw you in with the creepy circus vibe, and ended up with me squirming away from the screen, and ultimately just checking my phone a lot. Although the bits with Willem Dafoe were great, if over too soon.

I gave West Side Story a miss. The original was perfect, so why do it again? Especially with the problematic Baby Driver involved. It’s cool that Ariana DeBose won though; she and Rita Moreno have joined Brando and DeNiro, and Ledger and Phoenix in both winning an Oscar for playing the same character.

The winners

I was rooting for Will Smith – as we all were – but then he went and slapped a guy, which tainted the whole thing, really. Then he won anyway, and he kind of apologised, but his speech was, of course, all over the place, and it was a bit of a sour end to the night.

In the Supporting Actor categories, Ariana DeBose and Troy Kotsur were goddamn wonderful. Great speeches. Showing great strides in inclusivity as well.

Encanto won Best Animated Feature. Of course it did. It was a delight. And it’s Disney, and they’re too powerful to lose. Although personally, I thought The Mitchells vs. The Machines was better.

Jessica Chastain. I love Jessica Chastain. She’s been great in basically everything. She was a worthy winner.

Billie Eilish’s reaction was one of genuine shock, surprise, and elation. It was wonderful to see the kind of moody façade slip and just see a cool kid win an award.

Coda and Belfast won in the writing categories. No surprises there, really. All very nice. (Sorry, it’s 4:30am, can you tell?)

Jane Campion deservedly took home the Oscar for directing. To be honest, I reckon Power of the Dog should’ve won a lot more. Those guys are gonna be so mad.

And then, somewhat expectedly, Coda won Best Picture. The first time a streaming service has won. And it wasn’t Netflix. Absolute banter.

And finally...

So, there it is – an Oscars where the night will not be remembered for the films. Which is a shame, but also kind of what we love about it, too.

It was great to have hosts back again, though. Ya know, to bring some cohesion and calm to the proceedings.