Oscars 2023: Literally just a collection of thoughts

I realise it’s been a year and I’ve only written one blog since the last Oscars summary. But here we are; there’s nothing we can do about it; there’s a whole new section of blogs coming up which are all in the works. I know you were worried about that.

Ok, so here we go with the 95th annual Academy Awards. On a personal note, it’s been a wonderful recommence of a decade-long tradition; John Campbell - one of my best friends - and I stay up for the whole night, eating, drinking, and arguing about our favourite and least favourite films. And even better, in recent years, our Oscar-watching custom has grown to include our immaculate partners – Dave and Georgia.

Ok, the outfits. As far as outfits go, I have to say I think Angela Bassett, Salma Hayek, and Brian Tyree Henry get my votes for the most ‘holy shit (in a good way)’ outfits.

Animation

Predictably, Guillermo del Toro takes a casa the gong for the somewhat on-the-nose (geddit?) ‘Guillermo del Toro’s Pinnocchio’. Honestly – I switched it off after 20 minutes. For me, it had no soul despite trying so hard to have a soul. The songs were irritating, and (if you’re a cynic, you’d probably argue this stems from my hatred of children, but I really don’t think so) the kid who voiced Pinnocchio had THE MOST ANNOYING VOICE I’VE HEARD SINCE JANICE FROM FRIENDS.

Supporting actors

Oh – alright, they’re diving into the acting categories pretty early. Both the supporting actor awards are being presented back-to-back. We’ve done a bit of a predictions chart; Supporting Actor was one of the only categories we were unanimous on, and we’re right: Ke Huy Quan for Everything Everywhere All At Once. I mean, everyone – Short Round just won a goddamn Oscar and it was bloody wonderful. Dave’s in tears. Jamie Lee Curtis is in tears. Ke Huy Quan’s in tears. It’s a very wet moment.

But Everything Everywhere isn’t done yet in this particular segment. The legendary, powerful, proud nepo baby that is Jamie Lee Curtis takes home the Oscar for Supporting Actress. Her dad starred in – among many things – Some Like it Hot – one of my all-time favourite films. Her mum was the star of arguably the most famous scene in cinema history. And now she’s got an Oscar. John IMMEDIATELY cries the moment her name’s announced.

Side note – do you know what ‘Blockbuster’ means? Cuz I didn’t until just now. Jaws (1976) was the first Blockbuster as there were queues around the blocks that the cinemas were on, stopping traffic etc. That film literally busted the blocks. Now that was a fun fact, wasn’t it?

Jenny the donkey is on the stage

See above. JENNY THE DONKEY IS ON THE STAGE. I mean – it’s probably not the actual Jenny the donkey, but Colin Farrell is thrilled, and we’re thrilled for him. He won’t win, but he’s happy to be there with what – I assume – is his kid. And the donkey.

Song performances

As has become tradition – whether to give the host a break, make the show last longer, or break up the awkwardness for those shows that had no host – every nominated song is being performed live, on stage, at the Dolby Theatre. Naatu Naatu from RRR is currently underway, and honestly, it’s mindblowing that this is the first time an Indian song has been nominated. Those drums, and these dance moves; god almighty, I’m out of breath just watching it. But that might be the wings, beer and popcorn. Lady Gaga does a weird, understated version of Hold My Hand which doesn’t do it justice. Rihanna’s set looks amazing but the song doesn’t necessarily have the power I think she hoped it’d have. Dianne Warren is nominated again, and won’t win, again. David Byrne and Son Lux are wearing sausage fingers. A normal night on Hollywood Boulevard. We’re just normal men. Just innocent men.

International Film

Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek are on stage together, and the sexual tension in this room just escalated beyond measure. Banderas’ gravelly Spanish tones are narrating the nominees’ names for International Film. All Quiet on the Western Front wins, of course, at it’s the only foreign film that is also nominated for Best Picture. It would’ve made no sense for anyone else to win. And it was an absolute belter. I’m currently trying to convince Georgia that it’s not ‘just another war film’, but she’s having none of it.

Ok, they’re doing a summary of The Fabelmans, which is one of my favourite films of this whole shebang, despite clearly being about to go home empty handed. The montage stops on its most powerful line: ‘You do what your heart says you have to…because you don’t owe anyone your life.’ What a line. What a message. What a man Spielberg is.

Shorts

Ok people – Pedro Pascal; the TV daddy – is on stage with Elisabeth Olsen, presenting the Shorts awards. The winner of Documentary Short is the Indian film, The Elephant Whisperers. One of the poor ladies accepting the award gets cut off mid-way through her speech. That’s just rude, isn’t it – the Americans all get like 10 minutes to speak. Then the BBC win Animated Short for ‘The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse’ – isn’t that lovely! And they give the first kind-of funny, genuine speech of the night. You can’t rely on the Brits for warmth (cue Hugh Grant) but you can at least rely on us to be a bit silly and cheerful when we win stuff.

Sidenote:

Ooh – we’ve parked in the Dolby Theatre before. That’s cool, innit! It’s basically a cinema and shopping centre. Sorry to disappoint.

Elizabeth Banks comes on stage with a ‘Cocaine Bear’ and it’s BANKS who nearly falls over.

Oh no – Jimmy Kimmel is going into the audience and asking questions, and it feels too much like when Krusty the Klown talks to the audience and Ralph says ‘I love Lisa Simpson’, except it’s not that sweet because nobody here seems to be capable of doing anything off-the-cuff. Except Colin Farrell, natch.

Screenplays

Ok, I’m kind of annoyed, because I had The Banshees of Inisherin down as my predicted winner for Original Screenplay, and it’s gone to Everything Everywhere All At Once. Now, I know it’s been nominated a lot. I know it’s good in a really weird way. But I really don’t like it when a single film ‘cleans up’ – like Banshees did at this year’s (excruciating) BAFTAs. I think it’s a shame when some of the films – that would’ve won in any other year – end up going without when the spoils could be shared. Basically, Hollywood needs more Communism. Having said that, we all unanimously voted for All Quiet on the Western Front to win Adapted Screenplay, because – well – it’s won a lot before tonight. But Women Talking has won, which I’m sure I’d be happy about if I’d been able to see it, but I couldn’t because it’s only been on at the cinema once a day at 2:30 in the afternoon.

OMG, Naatu Naatu wins best song, and after tonight’s performances – rightly so. I mean – it was joyous. Plus, best acceptance speech so far.

John Travolta introduces the ‘In Memoriam’ segment. Why Travolta, you ask? Because he talks about those who we come to love through film, and, with a breaking voice and shining eyes, he speaks of those we will always remain ‘hopelessly devoted’ to. A second of silence punches the room. Followed by instant tears.

Idris Elba and Nicole Kidman are on stage together. We’re all agreed we’d like to be part of that sandwich.

Directing

Sigh. Even though we’d predicted it – the Daniels of Everything Everywhere All At Once win for Directing, and honestly – I would’ve loved to have seen Steven Spielberg or Martin McDonagh win. I personally think it’s more of a feat to bring together a beautifully crafted singular story, than two-and-a-half hours of chaos where you’re still not sure what happened afterwards. It’s a bit of a schmaltzy speech – they seem like very nice guys, but I’m a little bored of Everything Everywhere winning everything, everywhere now. There were other films, guys.

Acting

YES. Brendan Fraser, we love you so, so much. It was the first time all night that all four of us in the room actually cheered. Not just because his performance was – in all conceivable ways – huge. Not just because we loved him years ago in The Mummy. Not just because he’s the nicest man in the entire world. But because he’s been to hell and back and he came out without bitterness, without anger, just even more kind and even more talented than he was before his life fell into a pit. And that, alone, deserves a fucking Oscar.

And YES, Michelle Yeoh. Everything Everywhere might not have been my entire cup of tea. But Michelle Yeoh is, and her performance in it is nothing short of exceptional. I love her all-round talent. She’s done everything; action (her own stunts and fights), drama, sci-fi, rom com, she’s even been a Bond girl – and has been overlooked for too long. And holy shit, she’s 60.

Also worth noting that Halle Berry – who is somehow fifty-sodding-six – stands in for Will Smith to team up with Jessica Chastain to present both Leading Role awards. Her dress is cut up her thigh to her butt, and we’re all very much in favour of this.

Best picture

Harrison Ford takes to the stage to present Best Picture. You want someone to present Best Picture? You get one of Hollywood’s greatest living legends to do it, despite never winning an Oscar himself. We all know what’s going to win, but let’s pretend we don’t for about 30 more seconds so I can indulge myself in the guise of 'entertaining you' with a brief thought on all the nominees:

Everything Everywhere All At Once: Chaotic fun. I watched it five months ago and still don’t know if I liked it.

The Fabelmans: So beautiful. So heartbreaking. But so full of hope, too. And with a real message of never giving up, and always believing in yourself and what you want. It feels like you’re stepping into Spielberg’s mind.

Avatar: The Way of Water, or whatever the feck they called this one: Didn’t even watch it. Don’t know anyone who did. Still, it’s somehow broken all box office records. Three hours? No fecking way.

All Quiet on the Western Front: It’s easy for war films to fall into a formulaic, overly patriotic framework. But All Quiet doesn’t do that, I don’t think. It’s the first time I’ve seen a WWI film from the German perspective. It’s hard to watch at points, but it’s also incredibly compelling. And you come away thinking ‘what was the point in any of that?’ Which is…entirely the point.

Elvis: Absolutely loved it. Austin Butler has no right being that good-looking or that talented. I loved him as Elvis. I loved the way the film looked. I loved the music. I loved how sad I felt throughout, knowing what happened. Loved.

Women Talking: See above note about cinema times.

Top Gun: Maverick: I mean – we all loved it, right? Anyone who complained about it was tired of life. It’s beautifully nostalgic. It’s fun. It’s silly. Miles Teller’s shirt is open a lot. And it arguably saved cinema. It’ll never win in a million years, but it was probably the ‘biggest’ film of the year – you know what I mean?

Tár: Wow. I wasn’t expecting to like it as much as I did. Cate Blanchett is immense. I never once wondered how long there was to go. I loved the artsy, symbolic bits. I loved the dramatic bits. I loved the music. I loved how angry it was at points.

The Banshees of Inisherin: I’m conflicted here, because I know it’s good. I know the acting is great. I know it’s beautiful. I know – I know. It’s a great film. But I’m not sure I liked it. I think it should’ve won more, because I know it’s good. And because I like it when non-American films win. But it’s so bleak, I just can’t tell how I feel about it.

Triangle of Sadness: Someone described it as ‘The Menu, but shit’, and that kinda put me off it, really. The Menu was great, and criminally overlooked throughout the awards season.

Ok…the big, very predictable moment. And the Oscar goes to…Banshees. Ha! Nah, I'm kidding. It goes to Everything Everywhere All at Once. Of course it does. Though obvious, it’s still a wonderful moment. James Hong has got googly eyes on his bow tie. The producer fluffs his speech. And the moment of the night: Short Round gets a hug from Indie.